DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
