im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
