At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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