the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
