Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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