would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Randomize
