So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
