tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Ladies don't puke and tell
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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