Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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