he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
