His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
