I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
