i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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