i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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