Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
