her vagina looked like bernie madoff
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
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He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
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Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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