I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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