apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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