I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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