Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
what day is it and did you see me today?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
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