he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
