Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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