I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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