Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
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Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
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i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
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