Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
