I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
