I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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