I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
