watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
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So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
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drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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