I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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