we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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