the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
