As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Randomize
