I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
