Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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