So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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