i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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