I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
