I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
