Screwed.edu
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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