Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
