Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
