I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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