Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
