Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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