I'm gonna have a badass scar
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
