He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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