girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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