Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
