His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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