I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
