if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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