Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
