I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
