I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
